Understanding SHAME
Definition: A social emotion that emerges when we feel we have crossed the boundaries of social acceptability.
Message: "Boundaries alert! Respond with thoughtful integrity."
The Role of Shame
Shame is intricately woven into our moral framework, acting as a guardian that nudges us to align our actions with societal ethics and norms, thereby ensuring we remain CONNECTED with our community. But how does an emotion intended to bond often become a wedge that DISCONNECTS?
The Boundaries We Cross
The concept of boundaries is central to the experience of shame. Sometimes, these boundaries are clear-cut, the dos and don'ts explicitly stated by society. But often, they're like shifting shadows—imaginary lines that we believe mark the perimeter of acceptable behavior. They are the unspoken 'shoulds' and 'should nots' that hover in our collective consciousness, making us feel constrained, small, and flawed when we dare to cross them.
And just as we impose these invisible lines on ourselves, we draw them around others, often without realizing. We measure their actions against these perceived boundaries and, in doing so, may inadvertently shrink their sense of self, just as we belittle our own.
Reimagining Boundaries
When confronted with shame, both in ourselves and when observing it in others, it's crucial to recognize that these boundaries might be self-imposed limitations rather than true reflections of who we are. What if we chose to see these moments as opportunities to reflect on why we've drawn such lines and how they serve us? Transforming shame is about redefining boundaries, not reinforcing barriers.
SHAME in Leadership
As a leader, you may recognize the signs of shame in your team: unintended oversights, projects that don't go as planned, and poor coordination. And leaders too, are not immune from this experience. You may even feel hesitant to take on challenges and wary of potential criticism. And it's these very experiences that present an opportunity to embrace and demonstrate vulnerability.
Rather than resorting to blame or self-isolation when things go wrong, leaders can reevaluate and adjust the often unrealistic expectations placed on themselves and their teams. This eliminates the pressure to appear infallible(who is?!) and instead cultivates a culture where authenticity and teamwork are valued over a facade of perfection.
Communication Tips:
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Initiate dialogues with the intent to understand, not to reprimand.
"I sense there’s something that’s holding you back. Would you like to talk about it?"
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Offer a safe space for team members to express and navigate their feelings of shame.
"We all go through tough moments. I’m here to support, not to judge."
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Use shame as a signal for growth, turning potentially disconnecting experiences into opportunities for deeper team cohesion.
"Your experience is valuable, and sharing it can be powerful for you and the team."
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